Do you have unfulfilled aromatherapy needs? Do you suffer from aches and pains that defy conventional pharmaceuticals? Are you looking for creative solutions to forehead wrinkles? Tuberculosis? Boring breakfasts and unresponsive politicians?

Well you are in luck, my friend. Thanks to a budding partnership between high technology, primitivist nostalgia, and old-fashioned greed, now anyone can access the immense therapeutic potential of Essential Oils. “EOs” are the perfect all-natural panacea for the nature-challenged citizen of the modern world.

Read on to learn how Essential Oils became the newest ancient medicinal luxury on the block, and why these hot potatoes have some people saying they’re ready to quit Big Pharma for good and hop onboard the Essential Oil bandwagon.

Chasing purity

We love Essential Oils because they really can be everything to everyone. Want a brand new, cutting edge alternative to all those pyrrhic pharmaceuticals, with their awful side effects and health risks? No problem. The Essential Oils for sale at your local apothecary are made possible by modern methods of advanced distillation and scientific precision. That’s where they get their unbelievable purity.

Bit by bit, sophisticated extractioneering techniques compel plants to surrender their deepest secrets. What you end up with is a highly flammable, potentially toxic and/or biohazardous distillate with enough condensed plant power to save the whole world, one pharmaceutical refugee at a time.

Today’s market leaders deliver only the finest, most pristine blends, blessedly free of evidence that the Oils used to be embedded in real plant parts. Yuck! Actual nature, I think you will agree, is pretty dirty. I mean, look at all that dirt. It’s a wonder nature can even produce hygienic Oils. Thank goodness modern technology can rip and whip those trapped molecules out as quick as you can say “Essential,” so we can enjoy a product of mind-exploding purity that is miraculously all-natural and cleansed of all natural residues.

Time-tested, ancient-approved

But maybe you want an ancient solution, too, perhaps something good at transcending the alienation of modern man and market? EOs have your back. Artisanal Internet branding has imbued Oils with a bright halo of time-tested goodness. It’s easier than ever to imagine our sophisticated Oil distillates have been around for thousands of years — even the ones made with fossil fuel solvents!

The Ancients knew of the sacred Oils…or at least they didn’t not know of them. Anyway, they ate and used lots of plants — which contain Oils, among other beneficial compounds — for a wide variety of purposes. It’s true; before we could extract Essential Oils, people simply used Oil-rich plants. Early plant-based medicines mainly worked with whatever concentrations nature made conveniently available. Apparently the Ancients believed their treatments were effective. Poor saps; they must’ve been unwitting victims of the placebo effect.

At this time, science is still trying to figure out why nature even bothers to embed plant Oils in a complex and delicate ecology of symbiotic relations and subtle biochemical dynamics. Why doesn’t she just skip the drama and produce value-added isolates for the global marketplace from the get-go? Some things, alas, we may never know.

Nature confusion

What else? Essential Oils prove there are many ways to be “all-natural” without incurring unwanted costs. Budget-minded shoppers can rest assured that the nature-friendly reputation of EOs need not squeeze their wallets (hard).

99% of Essential Oils are derived from the same globalized, agro-industrial monocultures that underwrite today’s escalating deforestation, soil erosion, climate change, water scarcity, pesticide pollution, and more. Ouch. A single little bottle of serum may represent hundreds of pounds of crops; an order of magnitude more environmental resources is required to manifest each unit of Oil compared to ordinary foodstuffs. Sadly, however, few can outdo the efficiency of the (admittedly, ecocidal) industrial model in yielding the sheer volume of plant materials needed to make Oil concentrates on demand.

C’est la vie. We all like nature…but we love cheap exotics!

For just $157 per drop, you too could bask in repressed fantasies of returning to nature and achieving holism at the (admittedly, ironic) expense of the environment. This is your chance to solve routine home antiseptic needs with soothing Frankincense and Myrrh imported straight from war-torn Somalia. Who needs plain kitchen thyme when you could have thymol — both a savory dinner seasoning and toxic enough to use on your bitterest enemies?

As seen on TV

Essential Oils can do literally everything you’ve come to expect from the invisible hand of the market. Popular blended Oils include: Liquefied Mindfulness, Cash Money Meditation, Holism in a Bottle, Mediated Naturalism, and Lipstick on a Pig. Each has the potential to transform your relationship to the universe itself. This is the path to Abundance, as seen on TV!

Attention: Each Essential Oil has its own dosage limits which, however, we cannot stipulate. Profligate use of some Essential Oils can lead to the same severe side effects and toxicity risks associated with conventional pharmaceuticals. Good luck!

Best of all, Essential Oils are virtually unregulated, like most “alternative medicine.” A good thing, too. One person’s harmless figment of lil’ old nature is another’s hardcore medical intervention, serving as a vital replacement for useless and painful pharmaceuticals that turn out to be worse than the disorders they’re supposed to correct.

If anyone asks, just give a wink and tell ‘em Essential Oils help with everything — but cure nothing.